Snitches Get Stitches…

In 1995, a movie was made which portrayed the betrayal of an entire race of beings after being seduced by the false innocence of a walking, talking Trojan horse. The movie is, of course, “Babe.”

The horror…

Let’s summarize this movie about treason and racial oppression. Babe the piglet is a power-grabbing monster, a born sociopath, who uses his cuddly appearance and high pitched voice to convince others that he can be a sheepdog. This bacon-covered Rasputin eventually seduces the alliance of actual sheepdogs (or “sheepdawgs,” as I prefer to call them), who help him wrangle the innocent sheep as proof of his abilities.

Pure evil…

What is Babe after? What are his motivations? He gains little out of being a sheeppig. He could easily have done without that responsibility, as he was already on his way to following in Wilbur’s footsteps (I assume that Babe had an extensive library in an underground pigpen, with Charlotte’s Web next to his copies of Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, Clauswitz’s On War, and his subscription to “Sloppy Sows” magazine).

No, Babe wanted what any super villain wants; mind control and millions of slaves to do his bidding. He saw an opportunity in the sheep herd, so he set his devious brain to the task of finding their secrets.

Using a sheep herding competition as a false pretense, Babe (hereafter known as “The Enslaver”) pretends to be inept at a masterful level. Witnessing this Oscar-worthy performance, his sheepdawg minions began their primary mission of discovering the legendary password to the herd’s mind for their master. They conduct an interrogation of the sheep, the likes of which have never been seen until “Zero Dark Thirty.” They discover the password, which is “Baa Ram Ewe.” These three words enable the speaker to completely control a herd with no questions asked. Using this new found power, Babe the Enslaver is then able to manipulate an entire herd to blindly and immediately perform his evil will. His task complete, the movie ends with Babe the Enslaver (probably) dreaming of wool coats, lamb chops, and pyramids built by his thousands of sheepy slaves.

Is that it? Is that how the story truly ends? What happened to the traitorous sheep who sold their proverbial birthright and allowed their entire species to be ensnared by an outsider with questionable intentions? Were they ever discovered? Was justice ever done?

I’d like to think it was.

I imagine a final chapter in the Babe saga, where the sheep of the world get their woolly heads together to find out which of them betrayed their most vital secret to the little piggy Hitler. Meeting in an underground hideout, the resistance makes plans surrounded by maps, photos, intel reports, and stale cigarette smoke. Names are discovered and hits are placed on the traitor sheep. It’s like “Munich.” 

But with Ewes instead of Jews

As that treasonous herd is picked off one by one, Babe the Enslaver realized his peril, and hires more Sheepdawgs as bodyguards and counterinsurgency experts. Little does he realize that the sheep have struck an uneasy alliance with a warring clan of Tibetan mountain goats, who send their best assassin; Billy the Gruff.

Valar Morgulis…or BAAALar Morgulis

I’ll spare the details, but the movie ends with Billy the Gruff walking past the slain bodies of 30+ Sheepdawgs killed with headbutts. He slowly approaches a shaking Babe, who begins to beg for mercy. Billy the Gruff raises his suppressed MEUSOC 1911 .45 ACP, and says, “That’ll do, pig,” right before drilling the Enslaver with two to the chest and one to the head. 


In the background, the city built on the backs of sheepy slaves burns, sheep and goats drive out the remaining Sheepdawg survivors, and the ewes eat bacon in the streets.


Roll credits.

I swear I’m not on drugs.


One Comment Add yours

  1. Kug says:

    Interesting analogy and presentation.


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