#DadLife

At the risk of sounding like Jeff Foxworthy, I compiled a list of moments that made me realize that I am no longer a man without responsibilities.Ways you know you’re a dad:
-You see a booger in your child’s nose that you absolutely have to pick out without even considering the insanity of that action
-You scrape various things out of your children’s hair without seriously considering what it is
-Your biggest frustration is spending over an hour getting the kiddos ready for bed, reading stories, praying with them, putting on soothing music, but they refuse to go to sleep
-Your best moment of the day is that zen-like experience when you realize that ALL of your children are asleep
-Your wife’s idea of foreplay is a sink free of dishes

  
-Your child screams bloody murder after some sort of injury, but based on the tone and context you completely ignore it, knowing that the kid will be giggling and running around in less than three seconds. The other people around look at you with alarm, wondering when you will go and help your child, but you sit and stare into your coffee mug
-You go hunting just to get peace and quiet. Seriously consider that. In order to avoid the chaos and violence of children, you sit in a tree stand in the snow hoping to kill and gut another living creature

-You understand the direct correlation between cranberries and your son’s future catastrophic diaper mess. You also have learned that you are unable to scrape off that tar/superglue/poop off of said child without using less than thirty baby wipes

-Your deep hatred for Dora the Explorer and Elmo has matured and solidified into an actual black mass inside your chest that is unidentified by science

  
-You wonder why DARPA has not figured out a way to weaponize Legos.

-You’ve seen the time/space continuum broken by the sheer speed and ferocity of a group of children in a clean room. They mess it up quicker than one would think is humanly possible, and the cleaner the room, the quicker the mess

-You’ve seen precious items in your house destroyed by your own flesh and blood, who then show no remorse

  
-You’ve attempted to reason with a six year old as to why it is a bad idea to lick the stove

-You ask that same six year old “Why?!” after they attempt to throw a random bag of rice all over the house…and you expect an answer other than, “I don’t know.”

-You yell things you never thought another human being should utter, such as, “Don’t punch the dog!”

“Don’t dump the coconut oil on the counter!”

“Quit running away while I’m spanking you!”

-You get violently angry when someone without children talks about how it’s probably easy to raise a kid. Seriously, Ghengis Khan-like angry.

-You not only consider it socially acceptable, but morally responsible to turn your kid’s shower to ice cold water when they take more than the allotted ten minutes.

-You walk into the home of a human without children, and the first thing you notice is how NOTHING is baby-proofed. The second thing you notice is what your children would destroy first. And second. And third. And so on.

-You’ve witnessed a diaper worthy of a Geiger counter

  
-The kiddies can lose their shoes two second after taking them off, but locate close with and play with sensitive items in your house (pistol magazines, sharp objects, Lord of the Rings DVD collection)

-You view the seven year old boy down the street as a legitimate threat to your daughters

-You’ve ever farted, then waited for your children to scream, “Ewww! The baby has a dirty diaper!” You then pretend to check the baby’s diaper, then change the baby’s diaper just so no one will know it was you all along

-You’ve ever wondered why everything in the house is sticky. You’re either a dad, or you live in a frat house. Or the barracks in an infantry battalion.

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One Comment Add yours

  1. Celina Avallone says:

    I found this to be quite funny and the same goes for mother’s. I would love to blow Elmo’s brains out.

    Like

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