Marine Band Justifies Existence By Deploying, Stacking Bodies

Eastern Washir, Afghanistan β€”
Following a study finding that the Marine Corps spends $50 million annually on its professional musicians, Colonel Mike Cockburn decided to take action to make sure the money was well spent.

“There have been two wars going on, and we’ve got guys playing trumpets for a living,” began Cockburn, while stepping off of a C17 in a plate carrier and MICH helmet. Cockburn, who is the director of “The President’s Own” Marine Corps Band, made the decision to deploy all of his Marines to Afghanistan last week following a concert at the White House. They recently set up their own FOB in Eastern Washir named “Camp Woodwinds,” from which they have been conducting numerous direct action missions.

The Marine Corps has several bands comprised of Marines throughout its bases nationwide. These Marines provide vital services such as playing retarded music during mandatory fun days, and marching through every single Battalion Commander’s change of command ceremony, ever.

“The President’s Own” Marine band plays exclusively at the White House, and is made of musicians who have never been to basic training or held a rifle. Their primary function is to raise morale by being ignored by foreign dignitaries at the White House.

“Bro, we weren’t doing anything worthwhile over in D.C.” said Staff Sergeant Lyndsay Reynolds, a 32 year old clarinet player with the band. “Here at least we’re doing some good. It’s pretty awesome that I can actually dip Copenhagen here for once,” she said while wiping dried blood off of her bayonet. “We’ve gotten 300 plus kills in a month, and our flugelhorn player is stacking bodies like Chris Kyle. This beats the piss out of playing 100 year old John Philips Sousa marches every night.”

When asked who is taking care of all musical functions in the bases back in the US, Cockburn replied, “They’re doing what they should have done from the beginning; propping up some cardboard cutouts and playing a CD.”


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