Quantico, VA —
Headquarters Marine Corps announced a decision last week to change the caliber of rifle used by the Scout Sniper community, after service-wide requests were finally noticed for a weapon system capable of longer ranges.
The decision was announced by a Pentagon official on Friday, who said, “Following the Marine Corps’ proud tradition of issuing outdated bullshit to our infantry, we’ve decided that the skills of our snipers would be best matched with the ‘Brown Bess’ flintlock musket first utilized in 1768. It has a timeless design, as well the need for a skilled operator to fire it. Marines have long been doing more with less than the Army, and we believe that the ability to hit a man at 50 yards with a 250 year old 40 pound gun is in keeping with the customs of our Corps.”
Generals had recently learned that Scout Snipers had been using a .308 caliber weapon system, while literally every other service of every other country had moved into the 21st century, utilizing the higher power of .300 Winchester Magnum or .338 Lapua rounds.
“We believe that, in embracing our roots, we are a stronger force in readiness. This weapon system will require our snipers to be stronger and better shooters in order to operate it, and in the end, that makes for a better Marine Corps,” said the spokesman. “The snipers weren’t good enough with the .308 round to begin with, so why upgrade them?”
Upon receiving the weapons, most Scout Sniper platoons were immediately destroyed, as the fire from the discharging weapons turned their ghillie suits into screaming balls of burlap-fed fire. One platoon decided to “keep in touch with our sniper roots, ” and began breaking the muskets, then filmed themselves urinating on them.